DISCLAIMER: This post is not for those who get easily embarrassed or those who are judgemental. Do not read if you get the willies talking about more personal matters or if you look down upon those of us who are far from perfect. This is meant to be funny, and I hope you can get a good laugh out of it.
So with my wedding just two and a half weeks away, I decided to do some, er, shopping for my wedding night. Now lingerie shopping may be fun for those skinny bitches who are size zeros, but for those of us squeezing our chubby butts into those teeny, tiny outfits with stretch marks gleaming on flabby thighs under the harsh lighting of department store dressing rooms this is anything but fun. I'm sure those stick-thin supermodels look in the mirror in the skimpy outfits and think "Damn, I look great." However, anyone above a size two probably sees something that they don't like about themselves. Butt dimples, arms that jiggle, and pudgy stomachs do not go well with see-through tops and barely there underwear.
Thus, I decided to make a list of all of the things I would rather do than shop for lingerie. (in no particular order)
1. have dental work
2. Talk to one of the long-winded customers on the phone at work
3. Clean toilets
4. Clean up vomit
5. Clean up piss
6. Do laundry
7. Go to Wal-mart
8. Sit in a Car for three hours with my brothers after they have eaten White Castle
9. Have a stomach virus
10. Climb 1000 miles up hill in 100 degree weather carrying a fifty pound backpack
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Lauren, this made me laugh so hard that I had to read it to my mom, and she promptly announced, "The only thing she left out on that list is getting a pap smear."
ReplyDelete-Teresa